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If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store? 
Young people will wait longer in a self-scan isle at the grocery store so they don’t have to deal with humans, but old people will wait longer in a regular lane so they don’t have to deal with computers.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.
Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.
I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
Why do baby clothes have pockets ?
PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
YES YES YES YES YES -me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Darn, I missed the Grammy awards show again, which makes like 10 years in a row now.
My boss said that I intimidate coworkers. I stared at him until he apologized.
I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.
I told myself that I wouldn't drink today, but nobody ever listens to me.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a Walmart men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Before we die of corona, anyone wanna admit they have a crush on me? 