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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun? 
If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?
Telling people "Don't go out and by up all the toilet paper" will cause people to go out and by up all the toilet paper.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars & keep men at home.
You ever get a friend request and be like, “Nah, you look like you steal copper”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.
i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money
Some say laughter is the best medicine. I prefer sedatives.
my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe
It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.
If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money... 