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My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML. 
There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".
watching football the same way Colin Kaepernick does... sitting on my couch
In Iran, if a woman commits adultery she gets stoned to death. In the U.S., if a woman commits adultery she gets to be a guest on Jerry Springer.
Once a year you unknowingly pass the anniversary of your upcoming death. You're welcome.
Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you already ate.
I stopped wearing a mask and started carrying a chain saw everywhere . Social distancing isn't an issue for me :P
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever
Mandatory !!
All mask must be worn
with capes!
World’s Most Dangerous Bees 6. Honey 5. Killer 4. Fris 3. Hucka 2. Zom 1. Apple
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica 