Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Scrolling through my newsfeed today has taught me 44,578 new ways to say "I don't give a f*ck."

   I think I will get a piece of canvas and draw a face with my left hand and my eyes closed, splash it with purple, red and black paint, call it "Disconnected" or some such crap... Sell it for 1.8 million and retire.... That's my plan.

   To the guys saying they want a girl who will fix them a snack after sex: If she's capable of walking you haven't earned a damn sandwich!

   A lie is not nearly as bad as the insult to my intelligence.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   They need to change the sign from "Speed Limit" to "Required Speed."

   My moral compass always gets me lost.

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   It's time for attention to pay me instead.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   Kids are supposed to be so tech savvy these days but my 9-month-old just wants to lick my iPhone.

   I do NOT have an attitude problem... Yes, I may have the attitude, but YOU'RE the one that seems to have a problem with it...

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   Not to name names, but I know some of you update your status from your phone so as not to appear a complete shut-in who hasn't left the house. -Sent from my iPhone

   Whenever any of my ex's leave me, I find out a short time later they end up getting married. Which actually makes me feel better. At least now she's miserable too.

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!

   American Gladiator sports such as the giant hamster rolling ball thing should be introduced at the next olympics.