Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   F.Y.I. a slice of bread does not substitute as toilet paper.

   My girlfriend and I weighed ourselves, then we had sex, and then we weighed ourselves again. Just as I thought... I'm doing all the f*cking work.

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   Immediately like this status if you automatically restart a game when you know your gonna lose!

   Pop a molly? Why don't some of you hoes start poppin birth control.

   I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I went out to get my GF some milk and got blown into the f*cking bar.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Eventually you'll be separated from everyone you love by distance, argument, divorce or death. Make sure you know how to stand on your own.

   "It sure is nice to not be out shopping." - sane people

   Coffee can make you jumpy and irritable. There are also negative effects.

   I wish people would just listen to my advice. I have invested many years f*cking shlt up so you don't have to.

   Thousands of stoners give up smoking weed to avoid having any association with Justin Bieber. Cleverest. Government. Propaganda. Ever.

   If you are ALWAYS posting status updates about your “HATERS,” chances are I'm one of them.

   I went shopping at Sam's Club and now I have enough toilet paper to last until 2027.

   I don't want you charity unless your charity is bacon and then I will take it.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?

   If you've got nothing nice to say let's sit far away from each other and yell obscenities across the room just to p!ss people off.

   An awkward morning beats a boring night.

   We have so much in common. You want to travel . . . I want you to go . . .

   I didn't go see the Social Network because I was worried I'd run into people from high school that I don't remember or didn't like.