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I'm not "Mr Right" but I'll do freaky stuff to you till he shows up. 
You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
Sometimes when you cry, no one see's your tears. Sometimes when your in pain no one see's your hurt. Sometimes when your worried no one see's your stress. Sometimes when your happy no one see's your smile. But fart one time and the whole world knows.
Hurricane Survival Pro Tip #2: If your neighbor is a jerk, point your patio umbrella at their windows. See what happens in 80mph winds......
If I have to stir it, it's homemade.
wondering..if you shouldn't go grocery shopping while hungry does this mean that you shouldn't go to the liquor store sober?
This Just In: Researches still working to discover how over 75,000 people were miraculosly cured in Colorado last month from glaucoma and nausea..
They just put in a ban of trick or treaters 25 years of age or older... looks like my halloween plans are now changing
Most fairy tales start with,"Once upon a time",my story starts with,"you ain't gonna believe this crap!"
Does any1 else find it wierd that in the movie "twilight new moon" there are 4 boys running around in the woods shirtless together?!
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?
Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
If karma doesn't knock you out soon, I f*ckin will!!
got a phone call from the credit card company this morning, telling me that I have "outstanding payments". I said "Why, thank you very much!".
[This comment has been removed due to explicit sexual content]
Sex is for two things: making babies and revenge.
wondering if anybody ever won the lottery playing the lucky numbers in fortune cookies
Don't approach a goat from the front, a horse from the back, or a schizophrenic from behind a mirror. 