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In my defense, my wife's text asking me to "drop a load in the washing machine" was confusing. 
Finally found my wife's G spot....... Her sister had it all along.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.
Will Starbucks become a homeless shelter with their new store policy?
Me: I hate seeing you like this. Coworker: Like how? Me: In person
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.
With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.
Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.
The Feds have been stockpiling baby formula at the southern border for months. More proof who gets priority and who does not.
5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.
How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster. 