Funny Status Messages

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   Do they make a Gas-X for brain farts? Asking for a friend.

   Never blame someone for the road you're on.. It's your own asphalt.

   Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili's at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I've decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili's.

   Did you hear about the boat that sunk on the 5th of May that had all that mayonnaise on it? It was called, Sinko the Mayo.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   How the hell did we get to the point where the guys who killed Bin Laden are the bad guys and the guys who financed 9/11 are the good guys?

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.

   Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

   Today is a sad day. The man who invented autocorrect pissed away in his sleep last night.

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   to the woman that won the powerball.."What's up baby"...

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything