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I wish my teachers graded my papers drunk. 
Don't get me wrong. I totally hear what you're saying...I just don't care.
Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."
Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..
You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him
The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I'm feeling pretty awesome!!
Some people are meant to be loved from a safe distance.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
If I were a rapper I'd go by the name of lay-Z. Wouldn't release a single track.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I'm afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
Who ever said talk is cheap never got a bill from a lawyer for a 30 minute consultation.
You young punks are sissyfied... so quick to pick up a gun and scared to take an ass whippin'
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn't agree.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
My exercise program consists of having a lot of stairs in my home,, and forgetting things.
My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it's because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
There comes a time when you gotta stand up and take responsibility for your actions. I like to call this, the nap time. 