Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   The boss phoned and yelled "Are you still asleep?.... You should have been here two hours ago!" I said "Why... what happened two hours ago?"

   My favorite coffee mug has a chip in it. My favorite shirt has a stain on it. My favorite jeans have a rip in them. My favorite CD has a skip in it. My favorite friend is you. I like things that are flawed, like me.

   LADIES: I don't mind if you wear the pants in our relationship, because if I'm doing it right, you won't have them on for long...

   Being free is no guarantee of happiness, but if you're unhappy, at least it will be on your own terms rather than someone else's.

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.

   Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

   I love how I don't have to watch the weather channel, I just sign onto Facebook and check the latest status updates.

   It's wrong that so many people get their daily news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.

   I guess Amish people have to just yell out their status updates... so sad.

   Are you one of those people that get butt hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your ass off of Facebook.

   Wow... I'm standing out on the ledge of my building, watching what looks like police and firemen trying to fit a trampoline through the front door! Pfft... Idiots!

   That episode of Star Trek where Superman goes on a blind date with Rosie O'Donnel is on. Also, how much NyQuil is too much?

   Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   The guy who figured out what kinds of sounds to make during karate was probably badly sunburned at the time.

   If I look intrigued while your talking to me it's because I'm thinking about how to give less f*cks about what you're saying.

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.