StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   Some days I hate getting up for work, but then I think oh well, only another 40 years to go, and that always cheers me up.

   I just wanted you all to know that I'm leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I've made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I'll miss all of u, but I've decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!

   Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we're liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.

   I've ruined so many good songs on bad memories.

   My girlfriend just got a very interesting fortune cookie: 'Every exit is an entrance to a new experience' "Wow!" she said. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I f*cking hope so.

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   Facebook does NOT need a dislike button. It's just gonna start more drama.

   There is a US volleyball player named Destiny Hooker. Apparently her parents were wrong.

   Don't grow up. It's a trap!

   With so many girls pregnant at school, condoms should be on the supply list.

   Just pulled on a nose hair super hard & one of my pubes disappeared.

   If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.

   How about we start being thankful everyday, and have a holiday once a year called Complainsgiving?

   Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn't want to ruin my day by talking to you.

   What a rip-off! I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.