Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Someone gave me a CD rack yesterday, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   People who walk on I-95 are so friendly. I've gone past 3 in the last hour and they all gave me the thumbs up.

   I switched to Herbal Essences shampoo, but quickly discovered that I don't have a clit on top of my head like those women in the commercials.

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Just read a sign that says "Watch for Deer" and I was like "No, I don't take orders from a sign." Hahaha... No but seriously, it's been like 16 hours and I haven't seen anything.

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   WTF is with the "poke" suggestions on Facebook? I just poked TWO guys, thinking that THEY poked ME first?

   All this learning to share crap when I was a child seems redundant when I'm supposed to have a monogamous relationship as an adult.

   If I've learned anything from TV it's that kids will never be successful athletics or honor students unless I drive a minivan.

   It's recycling day and based on the bin I just put out, there's a fraternity that I don't know about living somewhere in my house.

   You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.

   I hate whoever invented 6:30 am

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   The best way to spread the most news in the least time is to disguise it as a secret.

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   Instead of getting married, I'm just gonna cut through all the other stuff and just buy someone I hate a house, and give them half my stuff.