Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue. You look bangable, so I'll add you.

   I’m just glad it’s almost Friday! It’s almost Friday, right? Well, it’s close to Friday. It’s never going to be Friday is it?

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   Nothing funnier than a pissed off mall cop on a Segway. With those goofy helmets on, I just can't take them seriously.

   I'm going back to traffic school to get my Masters.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

   We need to come up with a medical term for that feeling that you get on a Sunday night, knowing that you'll be back at work for another week come Monday morning. And quickly, because I need to phone in sick for tomorrow.

   Problem: Always get stuck next to obnoxious drunk guy on plane. Solution: Be obnoxious drunk guy on plane.

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   I've been living dangerously for the last couple of weeks. My girlfriend got a new cookbook for Christmas.

   My girlfriend says I'm a bad influence on her kids. Probably because now every time she tells them "Stop," they reply with either "collaborate and listen" or "hammer time."

   When I see a photo enforced traffic light, I pose and wave as I run it, tons of adoring fans at the county courthouse send me letters.

   It feels SO GOOD to get things accomplished... or at least I imagine it does. Do something and tell me what it's like.

   Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   Life is precious and short. If you have time today, make sure to tell your enemies to f*ck off before they die and you're too late.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they're not really your friends.