Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow, I am just going to shut down...

   If you have to ask why I don't like you, you just answered your own question.

   A good relationship is not without struggle – it's knowing how to struggle.

   Any bathroom without toilet paper is a panic room.

   The only people who get offended are hypocrites. And I'm happy to make them uncomfortable...

   I've realized the older women get, the more likely they are to have a tissue or a bandaid when I needs one.

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   Hey, I found your nose, it was in my business again!

   I've said this before but, It's funny how you think you know someone so well, then you bang his wife and then his true colors start to show.

   Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

   thinks it should be illegal to do construction, mow, and/or weed whack before noon.

   When the boss says, "OK, just keep me updated," he really means, "Don't bother me again until you're finished, you peasant b!tch."

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   Sometimes life just needs a good, hard CTRL ALT DELETE.

   I never read and will never read your 55 page terms of use. I will always agree, so stop asking me to confirm that I read it.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.