Funny Status Messages

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.

   I stand by the unlikely threat I made when I thought you couldn’t hear me.

   If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore.

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

   I'm starting to worry that I can't stab someone in front of a cop without getting shot

   FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.

   If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.