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Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges... 
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
Nothing good ever starts with ‘Got a minute?’.
Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...
Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!
*Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."
Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.
Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?
The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.
If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.
That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.
Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.
People in ancient times believed that they were responsible for the changing climate. (human sacrifice to the gods) I’m so glad that we have advanced enough that we don’t believe in that nonsense anymore. 