Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Don't trade what you want most for what you want now.

   My girlfriend and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

   I have kleptomania. When it gets really bad, I take something for it.

   In certain cultures its illegal to look this good

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   If you need time alone, announce that it's time to clean the house.

   Someone told me to get over myself so I did a backflip, but then I just landed in more AWESOME!

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   My co-worker informed me that people raised with manners say “Please” and “Thank you.” So I responded “Please, shut the f*ck up, thank you.”

   On Thanksgiving Day, all over America, families sit down to dinner at the same moment – Halftime.

   So, I'm at the crossroads & Bone Thugs N Harmony is clearly not here... What a waste of time, and gas.

   You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

   The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.

   Well now I'm screwed... everyone always tells me once you go black you never go back, but I left my keys in her apartment.

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   According to google maps there is no such place as Cougar Town, this show is so full of $hit.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   I hate waiting for someone to illegally upload so I can illegally download.

   It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look!