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thinks that nutritional information should simply tell you the amount of exercise required to burn off whatever it is you're about to consume. 
not stalking you. By the way, you are out of sugar.
The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.
Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?
There is no end to the lengths that Brett Favre will stoop to protect that streak of his. He must have been up all night cutting away on the roof of the Metrodome.
Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"
Life should come with more opportunities to shove peoples faces in cake
Why are all the birds dyin? seahawks, falcons, ravens, eagles
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation....
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up sh*t in my backyard just realized that I don’t own a dog .
there a pack of wild dogs attacking my child, or are there peas touching his mashed potatoes? I can't tell.
The older I get the more freaky and weird the sex has to be for me to get off. Someday you're gonna have to smack my clit with a shovel.
Finds most Christians treat their bible like computer software. They just scroll down the terms and conditions without reading it and click 'I agree.'
you know you're getting OLD when your BRAND NEW car you drove in high school now qualifies for an ANTIQUE car tag.
Out of all your lies I love you was my favorite.
But if they stop selling Hummers how are we gonna know who's got a small pen!s?
My liver is so black it talks during the entire movie.
A black guy called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend, but then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend Grace.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there's a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
"Are you as bored as I am?" Read that backwards, it still makes sense.
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