Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   This morning's poke war just serves to reaffirm my belief that I am too pretty for prison.

   If putting a cup holder, car stereo, car horn, and a patio umbrella on my riding mower is weird, I dont wanna know what normal is.......

   MMA would be way better if it was two people who'd never been in a fight before and done zero training.

   I figure that “Honey Boo-Boo” show puts us about six months away from just laughing at homeless people on television.

   The 4th of July weekend is upon us, let's celebrate by getting drunk and blowing sh!t up. Oh wait that's what we do ever weekend.

   I'd be a great sports announcer because I'm really good at pointing out obvious sh*t and having incomprehensible conversations.

   One of the great things about looking so good is that I never have to explain why you should f*ck me.

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Mowed the yard today and threw my clippings in the neighbors yard........ #SuburbanThugLife*

   I'll believe almost anything someone tells me in a British accent because they sound really smart when they talk.......

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   now friends with 'cold beer' and '11 other cold beers.'

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.