Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   My temptation and my common sense are having one hell of a battle...

   When I came home today I brought in a box of tampons and a package of Tylenol... She told me she's not on her period and she doesn't have a headache. Yup, she was tricked into sex again.

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   I never quite know exactly what I'm talking about.

   I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   I just bought some "ribbed cotton tank t-shirts" at WalMart. You'd think that'd be the one place on earth they'd call them wifebeaters.

   Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn't awesome. THAT would be scary.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.

   If a lesbian c0ckblocks another lesbian, would it then be considered a beaver dam?

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   Any questions asked while I am counting out scoops of coffee will be answered with louder counting.

   I'm too lazy to I throw my hands up in the air and wave them like I just don't care. THAT'S how much I don't care!

   It's ironic that we call it "common" sense when there seems to be such a lack of it.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   "How are feeling today?" is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.