Funny Status Messages

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.

   I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

   I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.

   Pancakes: Because NO, you cannot have cake for breakfast, but you can have fried cake for breakfast.

   "The Bachelor" should be renamed with a more accurate title: "Desperate, Dysfunctional Closet Cases Fighting Over A Player."

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

   Am I the only one that thinks it's very narcissistic that the Academy Award Members gave the Best Movie Award to a movie named after them...???

   I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

   today. for the first time in a long time. I checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

   Just saved a guy from drowning by throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline. He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

   I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell "Wednesday" without having to say "Wed-nes-day" in my head.

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   I always confuse reptiles and amphibians. OK to be honest, neither one knows what I’m talking about.

   “You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.” My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

   Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks