Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I asked my girlfriend to pour some sugar on me. That stuff is basically like sand, and I feel sticky and itchy as hell. F*ck you, Def Leppard.

   Rise and shine to all the beautiful women of the world. Ugly women, don't get greedy, go back to sleep, your time is coming, at night. -_-

   "I love my cable company! Their customer service and pricing can't be beat! I'm glad I have no other options!" said no one ever.

   The definition of being stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and choosing to still believe the lies... with a smile.

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   Santa only gives my kids undies and socks. All the cool stuff comes from dad. They don't like Santa much.

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   I never knew that Abraham Lincoln was such a badass, killing vampires and freeing slaves, I think he is my new favorite president, step aside Grover Cleveland.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   They say you are what you eat. I don't recall eating a legend.

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

   Too bad there isn't an option to hear the next five seconds after someone hits end on a call. Make no mistake that is when the truth comes out.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

   I must say you really have a open mind... and a mouth to match.

   Bacon pie crust. Does that exist? Because if it doesn't I think I'm going to be a millionaire.

   Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of f*cking idiot?

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   it just me or has the iPhone gone from spell correction to straight up "no no you would much prefer THIS random word" correction?

   I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.