Funny Status Messages

   If you never seen it with your own eyes, or heard it with your own ears. Don't think it in your tiny brain, and spread it with your big mouth.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Lonliness and alcohol are good friends, but on Valentine's day, they are best friends.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   Ahh, the gift card. The polite way to say here's $20, go get your own damn gift.

   if you break a sweat walking to the buffet, maybe you don't need another plate...

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.

   I will never eat a foot long corn dog at the nude beach ever again

   Look at it this way; if the world's meant to end in 2012, at least you won't have to pay $10/gal for gas

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   I wonder where Harold Camping is hiding these days? Is he counting the millions of $$$ he scammed from his followers? He's a disgrace to the human race.

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   "That song is old." "OH! I'm Sorry B!tch, I didn't know there was an expiration date on music."

   Almost went to jail today, scared the crap out of me. Yeah, those monopoly games get pretty intense bro.

   Oh NO , facebook will be charging ... Do you know what , if it gets rid of you retards who re-post that rubbish I think it will be worth it ...

   Chill bro, I don't want your girlfriend...actually, no one wants your girlfriend, that's why she's with you.

   Turns out, no matter how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.

   My friend just introduced me to a Money Making Scheme that guarantees a 100% payout. It's called a job.