Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Might get my balls botoxed today.

   When I was a little girl, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. When she was in a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

   A lonely man put an ad in the paper saying "wife wanted" The next day, he checked he had 40 messages, all of them saying "You can have mine!"

   On the bus today I was sitting across from a really beautiful girl and I kept thinking to myself, "..please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection" ......................... but she did

   If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it has really low self esteem and you should exploit that for sexual favor.

   My son told me all females have nice butts in yoga pants, so I took him to Walmart so he could see the error of his thoughts

   I wear a lot of axe. But I live in a primarily black neighborhood so around here it's called Ask.

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   ..i had lunch with a chess player today. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her $hit.

   Celine Dion walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

   Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.

   Stop telling me how to do my job! I don't go down to your work and knock the d!ck out your mouth, do I?

   I'd like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I'll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don't (you know why).

   You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let's do it!!

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   You have a better chance of falling out of an airplane, landing on a trampoline, bouncing back up in the sky and getting hit by the same airplane than you do of winning the lottery, yet people continue to plunk down paycheck after paycheck…

   My April Fools day joke blew up in my face. I threatened divorce. My wife agreed.

   If I were Stevie Wonder I would say “I’ll believe it when I see it” in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off.