Funny Status Messages

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   Turtles can breathe out of their butt, which is incredible, considering most humans can only talk out of theirs.

   Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

   The teacher asked students to write an essay on 'If I were a Millionaire'. All students started writing except lil John. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" I'm waiting for my secretary,

   at work, online researching how to be more productive at work

   i am not a squirrel but I do play with my nuts

   Quitting Facebook over privacy is like moving out of your house because you can't be bothered to lock the door....

   Thinks it is amazing how a spider the size of my thumbnail can make a woman move faster then Bruce Lee on steroids and scream louder then a horror flick chick.....

   You know it's too early when you try to put the cereal box in the refrigerator.

   People say I have an obsessive personality, but after thousands of hours of research spanning nearly a decade, I can find no conclusive evidence supporting this.

   I wish my car had a "thanks!" horn in addition to the "get the f*ck out of my way" horn it came with.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   So many freaks... so few circuses.

   I am imperfection perfected.

   Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   Canada has never made and weapons of mass destruction. We don't need them. Canada has poutine and Justin Beiber. If we make our enemies eat poutine and listen to some Beiber cds, we'll do more damage to thier arteries and eardrums than WMD's ever could.

   blocked you from my news feed. I don't care how many mobsters you've iced, that you found a pink sheep on your farm, or that you've redecorated your virtual apartment.

   "Patience" is what parents have when there are witnesses.

   When things go wrong as they usually will and your daily road seems all uphill, when funds are low and debts are high, when you try to smile but can only cry. when you really feel like you should quit, don't call me, I don't give a S#@t.