Funny Status Messages

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!

   Love is standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and you can never let go without leaving your footprints.

   My plan to impress people with big words has failed egregiously.

   Tequila is the Clear History button of my brain

   When I see some people on Twitter/Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   The wife and I just sat in a hot car and bickered for six hours. It was the same as going on vacation except we saved $1000.

   I finally saw my 1st Porn the other day,wow I just can't get over how young I looked back then !!

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   Bringing babies on a 7 hours flight should not be allowed.

   Get her Dexter!

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   On C.N.N. morning news there has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. Bet this is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   Ladies: In order for you to find that prince charming, you must first be a princess yourself.

   The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!"