Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I learn something new everyday. Yesterday I was wise. Today I'm wiser.

   I will always cherish the nice things I assume you are saying about me.

   I am known for my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around.

   MiO is the best invention ever. I keep a red colored one on my desk now and no one bats an eye when I drink this vodka and cranberry at work anymore.

   Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   People tweeting............ "Damn it's September already?" What TF you thought came after August?! August Jr?

   became a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty? :D

   This guy told me that he can see the future but he didn't even try to duck when I punched him in the face.

   I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?

   Get your mind out of the gutter - it's blocking my view.

   Just read that Facebook has reached 500 million users. Congrats to everyone who helped create history's largest stalker.

   I just sneezed so hard I think I opened a time portal.

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   I think Hotel California was written about Facebook.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...

   Females will stop speakin to their friends over the littlest things, but will forgive the same trifling ass dude a millions times.