DeeX Funny Status Messages

   Everyone else's plans for pretty weekends: "I'm going to the lake" "I'm hanging at the pool" "We're going to the park for a picnic" And I'm just over here like "I'm gonna eat a waffle."

   Has Al Sharpton's presence EVER made anything better?

   A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I'll catch the next one. She's mad at me now.

   The difference between "fetish" and "felony" is checking beforehand

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   Women claim to not care for looks as much as guys do but I doubt they'll go see Magic Mike or 50 Shades or Gray if it starred Steve Buscemi and Seth Rogan.

   Hey A-Rod, will you sign my syringe???

   Everyones like "George Zimmerman this, no justice that" I'm just over here like, "I'm gonna eat a popsicle."

   Her: "Now, I'm going to go to the bathroom and take off my 1 pound of makeup, high heels, push-up bra, colored contacts and 3/4 of my hair and then we're going to talk about YOU being more honest."

   I think it's funny how women that love expensive things give themselves away for next to nothing.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they say "to boldly go where no one has gone before", when they get there, they always meet someone?

   I'm not sure if Internet p@rn has really ruined any relationships but I'm sure it's ruined some keyboards.

   Anal bleaching; because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.

   If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself.

   I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   It seems like I can have any woman I DON'T want.

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   Whitney Houston found dead in the tub, her daughter found unresponsive in a bathtub, maybe that family should start taking showers.