smeebert Funny Status Messages

   She will always remember this as the day she almost caught captain Jack Sparrow

   Please don't tell China I know all kinds of Super Secret Stuff! They might send one of those Hot Chinese Spies to Work me Over!

   Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.

   Why am I sleeping on the couch? well lets put it this way she caught me talking on the phone last night and it was not Jake from State farm

   Well the pandemic unemployment is coming to an end here shortly so guess it’s time to get back to work, all these companies are all after me so shouldn’t be hard - electric company, fuel company, telephone company

   Whoever stole my glasses you WILL be sorry, I have contacts!

   New Deluxe never used 2020 planner - super cheap!

   Weird, thousands of people working from home getting paychecks and not a single one has called in sick all week.

   What if it was April fools of next year when someone finally reveals to you the self quarantine ended 11 months ago.

   I’m famous someone took a picture of me it went virus

   As a kid I was always wearing shoes too big and didn’t know why until one day I remembered my childhood and my dad saying - walk a mile in mine.

   Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell

   First time I’ve been up early for Saturday morning cartoons in awhile.

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   We are building a fence and I'm gonna make my neighbors pay for it.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   Guess what my doctor said I'm physically fit to become the next president of the United States!

   i can't believe it, Morley Safer tribute was on last week and not 60 minutes later he's gone

   Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day