Nipper Funny Status Messages

   Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.

   Maybe she's born with spit. Maybe it's Vaseline.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   The one thing about this group of presidential candidates that we can all agree on is that none of them are fuckable.

   In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.

   When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.

   Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"

   Lazy is as lazy doesn't.

   Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush.

   I will still be nude when reading Playboy.

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.

   If your girlfriend asks you to role play 'doctors and nurses' in the bedroom, don't diagnose her with down-syndrome. Trust me on this.