JaxWylde Funny Status Messages

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Canadian rockers Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are separating after 2 years of marriage... which I think is 4.4 after converting from metric...

   A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...

   Every time I give up something for Lent... my friends encourage me to break it... When I give up alcohol, they buy me drinks... when I give up sweets, they bring me candy... so this year I am giving up sleeping with women...

   First song on the radio this morning was "I got you babe"... for a second I thought I was re-living yesterday... and that I was Bill Murray...

   Move over Belle and Jasmine... Leia is the new #1 Disney Princess...

   I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...

   There would be no limits to what a man could achieve... if he were to apply the same level of focus, persistence and dedication to his daily life... that he does when drunk and trying to convince a hot lesbian to sleep with him...

   I met a cute girl in the tampon aisle today... so I asked if she'd be free to go out for dinner in 5-7 days...

   Veni, Vidi, Vizzini... I came, I saw, INCONCEIVABLE!

   You know who was hurt the most in this whole ordeal by name association alone... the residents of Sandusky, Ohio... And the American workers at Callahan Auto... they make the best parts money can buy...

   A virus caused me to reset my phone... I don't need anyone's number again, but if my exes can resend me those 'special' pictures... I'd appreciate it...

   If all my Christmas presents were wrapped in bubble wrap... it's be like two gifts in one!!

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   Happy Cyber Monday!! A/S/L?

   ‎[Status update only available to Facebook® Gold™ account holders]

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Shark Week

   The U.S. is moving closer and closer to defaulting on our debt... maybe we should ask Citibank, Bank of America and GM to bail us out...

   I don't always watch porn... but when I do... I prefer Tres Equis... Stay horny my friends...

   The only thing more interesting than the royal wedding is... Ooh look, the dog is chasing his tail again!