Grifter Funny Status Messages

   My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 a.m.! Can you believe that? 3 a.m.! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums....

   If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?

   BREAKING NEWS: Tim Tebow is no longer a virgin after being screwed by the Denver Broncos....

   There are very, very few things it's ok to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins", is not one of them....

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people....

   Sometimes just for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction....

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....

   as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar....

   Have you ever looked at someone and said to yourself, "Life would be so much better if their mom had just swallowed"?

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol....

   I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....

   Fun idea of the day: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.....

   New TSA slogan: "It's not a grope....It's a freedom pat"

   The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God!" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car....

   It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up...

   I went to a bookstore last night and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose....

   Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks....

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....