Bill Funny Status Messages

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   I'm going to get dressed up in bear costume and go down to Best Buy on Black Friday and scare the people camping out in tents...

   Was just reading about the new 100 dollar bill design and wondered why I hadn't seen one yet. Then I realized it's because it's a 100 dollar bill.

   Send me one more game request and I'm showing up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister...

   Personally, I don't find swearing offensive. I think it adds character & emphasis to a conversation. I do find, backstabbing, lying, cheating and screwing people over offensive, but not swearing.

   Just updated my resume. Hobbies section now includes: "Currently tied with Lance Armstrong in Tour de France victories."

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........

   I got my Do-si-dos. Sad thing is I'm about to eat the whole box, I'll be mad at myself later...........

   Why does a Mexican re-fry their beans? Have you ever seen a Mexican do something right the first time?

   Celebrating today's unemployment news is like getting excited about all the open tables in the Titanic's dining room, the media appears to be pretending the unemployment rate dropped for some reason other than holiday seasonal staffing.

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   I personally think that Hank Jr is just laying the groundwork for a stint on Dancing With the Stars........

   FYI - Tomorrow is Hard Hat Friday......

   Oh great....I just heard a satellite the size of a bus is expected to crash somewhere on earth tomorrow. Wear a hat!!

   lol, Any of you morons ever hear of snopes? Stop hating on Pepsi....

   I hope Eagles fans loaded up on batteries to throw at the hurricane, lol Philadelphia fans lol......

   It seems this town is full of exhausted plumbers, well that is what I think they are anyway... Their pants are drooping off and their hats are turned sideways.... Take a rest guys

   Don't worry, they'll probably get Casey Anthony when she tries to steal back her sports memorabilia...