Gary2.0 Funny Status Messages

   My therapist said I should get an emotional support animal. So I got myself a chicken. It was deep fried and came with a milkshake.

   Now that everyone has a phone with a camera on them 24 hours a day, where have all the UFOs gone?

   I said I’d be ready in five minutes. That was more of a motivational phrase

   I don’t forget things. I remember them after they become urgent

   Apparently, I can't nickname my coworker 007 for having 0 skill, 0 motivation, and taking at least seven breaks a day. If you need me, I'll be in HR.

   I don't understand why banks get upset when you can't repay a loan. You already knew I had no money when I came to borrow it.

   My wife said, "Do whatever you want". I'm currently evaluating risk.

   I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

   I hate it when people say "Bite me", and then act all surprised when I do.

   I told my wife I'd fix it. She said "Today"? Didn't realize we were getting specific.

   My wife asked if I was listening. I heard enough to be concerned.

   Wife: the dishwasher is broke. It's time to get a new one. Me: There's nothing wrong here. You look fine to me.

   I keep having this recurring nightmare. It lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.

   My wife asked what my plan was. I said, “Let’s not ruin this with details.”

   If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

   Whoever put the S in fast food is a marketing genius.

   I told my wife I cleaned the kitchen. Apparently “cleared a walking path” doesn’t count.

   Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

   I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around.