Funny Status Messages

   Every girl needs a good guy to help her laugh when she thinks she`ll never smile again.

   You remind me of my pinkie toe because I know I'm eventually going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my place.

   Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.

   Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?

   Having dinner with my phone and some people.

   Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."

   "Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks

   one mans trash is another mans girlfriend

   Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.

   When someone says, "What is this world coming to?" I like to reply, "mostly internet porn."

   I did not fall! The floor looked sad, so I gave it a hug!!

   Sometimes I see a cute kid and think "someday I might want one of those". But then I realize that I say the same thing about monkeys and rocketships and the feeling goes away.

   Well the Christmas spirit is boxed up and back into the attic for another year.

   Don't like me? Have a seat with the rest of the a$$holes waiting in line for me to give a f*ck.

   I'd like to thank meth addicts for making buying allergy and cold medicine and ginat pain in the a$%

   Throughout all this freezin weather and snow we have been gettin,all my mrs has done is stare through the window.....i guess if it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in !!!

   wishes everyone involved in the Global Warming debate would all just Chill Out.

   heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

   I think 3 left-handed monkeys, a shaved llama and pigeon with diarrhea could do a better job on designing the fb layout.