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My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers. 
That unfortunate moment when you accidentally make a fart sound with your chair... and you spend the next 30 minutes trying to recreate the sound so everyone knows you didn't ACTUALLY fart.
All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...
If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.
Every girl needs a good guy to help her laugh when she thinks she`ll never smile again.
You remind me of my pinkie toe because I know I'm eventually going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my place.
Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.
This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.
Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?
Having dinner with my phone and some people.
Hit "Like" if you're tired of everyone on Facebook telling you to hit "Like."
"Hey girls, stop doing that thing with your lips when you take pictures. You're making us look stupid." - ducks
one mans trash is another mans girlfriend
Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.
When someone says, "What is this world coming to?" I like to reply, "mostly internet porn."
I did not fall! The floor looked sad, so I gave it a hug!!
Sometimes I see a cute kid and think "someday I might want one of those". But then I realize that I say the same thing about monkeys and rocketships and the feeling goes away.
wishes everyone involved in the Global Warming debate would all just Chill Out.
heard the Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter so fast that it can actually photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
I think 3 left-handed monkeys, a shaved llama and pigeon with diarrhea could do a better job on designing the fb layout. 