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Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler....So straighten up and fly right 
I lost money and friends this year but I just want my money back
When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.
I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.
Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!
I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
In alcohol’s defense, I've done some pretty dumb shít while completely sober too.
Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.
SYNONYM [Noun] A word used in a place of the one you can't spell.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one 