Funny Status Messages

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.

   No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.

   Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.

   The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.

   ..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.

   I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

   It's a good day to be an avid indoorsman. Just harvested some berries from my fridge and slaughtered a Pop-Tart.

   "Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   Rap battles in Canada consist of two people trying to outdo each other with compliments.