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So, no baseball, hockey or basketball. What's next? No cornhole? 
We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
If you're not gaining weight during the pandemic you ain't high enough
If dispensaries don’t offer “herb side pickup”, they are really missing out on a prime opportunity.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?
*Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight
Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.
NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit
You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.
Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML. 