Funny Status Messages

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.

   Don't you hate it when You look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!

   Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....

   "Well, Bill, now I see how you came up with the word 'Microsoft'." -Melinda Gates, on their wedding night.

   there a way I can trade Kanye West, the Kardasians, and the Jersey Shore cast for one of the "Good ones" that died in 2016? Would throw Kathy Griffin in if it helps.

   Ever seen a human pyramid? Someone needs to explain to government and CEO's this concept. And about who falls farthest if any level fails...

   During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.

   With sufficient thrust, pigs will fly just fine.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   ... Well, I guess we now know what happens when social media is your only source of thought and conscience devoid of any common sense!

   There should be a sign at every red light that reads "Selfie Center and Facebook check in area" .... you know, just to make it official.

   OH there's nothing quite as funny as poster's tossing insults instead of comic relief....

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   Roll over Beethoven...:(

   Anyone know exactly how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor Swift never specified and frankly I'm exhausted.