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Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke. 
I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?
Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR
To everyone reading this congratulations for surviving the end of the world.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
If he wants you to be in his life, he'll put you there. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot on the couch.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.
If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.
You can sponsor a child in need for the cost of a cup of coffee. I wanna help, but they really shouldn't be giving coffee to kids.
Sidenote: You can't hide a booger under a glass table.
Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.
It is Canada Day, so go out and pet a beaver.
The easiest way to childproof your house is to wear a condom.
..... With so many things coming back in style ... I can't wait until Morality, Honesty and Loyalty become the new trend again.
I'm saving my abstinence for marriage.
Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night. 