Funny Status Messages

   "why do they have such a nice house?" -- my review of every movie

   Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.

   "I AM A WARRIOR" Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.

   I never know what to do with all the fast food condiments I bring home from restaurants but I sure am ready for the trick-or-treaters this year!

   The probability of someone looking at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don't lie either.

   Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

   Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

   1977: stayin’ alive 2020: stayin’ alive

   I've been all across this nation Traveled by train, plane, bus and car And I've never met one person that makes zzz sounds when they sleep

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year, ..today I bought a 5lb bag.

   Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.

   It used to be a sign that you were low on money when you took all of your loose change into the store. Today, because of a national coin shortage, I kinda felt like I was flaunting my wealth.

   Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   Man claims his body only fights viruses on Saturdays and Sundays. His doctors say he has a weekend immune system.