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What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow? 
When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.
There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.
"Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.
Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
An apple a day is bull crap.... Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.
Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."
Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion. 