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I'm not that impressed that hula dancers can tell a story with their hands. I can tell a story with one finger. 
Lost 9lbs in one day using a new diet, where I ran to the bathroom every 5 minutes for 24 hours. The stomach virus DVD workout will soon be out!
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
I must be a proctologist... because I work with a*sholes.
I've invented a new low-intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch.
It's not that the elderly drive badly. It's just that they're the only ones with the time to do the speed limit.
Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.
Just when you think you've finally hit the bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.
wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome.
Sure, you may have the last word....as long as it is "Yes, Ma'am" or "I'm sorry."
Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself.
Your bumper sticker claiming, "My Chocolate Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" appears to be false. I've never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.
If I ever write a book it's going to be about "People who waste other people's time by reading about their nonsense" but I probably will never write one so..... never mind.
Really suffering from PMS today - Premature Monday Syndrome.
Why does the new thomas the train commercial say it's so easy to score??
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Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
just found an awesome outdoor puerto rican mechanic shop! oh wait, its just the autozone parking lot...
Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours. Talk to people about yourself, and they will tell you who gives a s**t ??
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