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The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again. 
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won't need to know cursive,but you will need the ability to type with thumbs... The future is weird.
I am sorry I wasn't being completely honest when I said I was normal.
There is a special place in hell for idiots who bring babies to the movie house.
It's as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
I didn't know how badly we're losing the war on stupidity til I joined Facebook.
A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.
That moment when the person you've loaned money to calls you to brag about the big bonus they received at work and is going on and on about how they plan on spending it and paying you back is not on the list
These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
I have been very drunk before but not "wake up with a Kardashian" drunk.
Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.
I can't decide what I should be for halloween or any other day
I'd rather have Samuel L. Jackson narrate my life. No offense, Morgan Freeman...my life just requires multiple uses of the word motherf*cker.
Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.
I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.
If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
How to put on deodorant: 1. Apply deodorant. 2. Wait two seconds. 3. Try and remember if you put on deodorant. 4. Reapply deodorant. 