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Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works. 
Life is all about A$$! You are either covering it! Kissing it! Busting it! Laughing it off! Trying to get a piece of it! ......Or you live with one!!!
I decided to leave the paperboy a tip! I left some at the end of the driveway, in the bushes,by the sprinkler, everywhere but my at my front door!!!
Wine is to women as duct tape is to men… it fixes everything.
Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"
When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.
Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.
Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
No, that dress doesn't make you seem fat...but your dependence on others' opinions definitely makes you seem shallow."
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming
I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.
The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.
I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.
I found Samuel L. Jackson's swear jar and I don't think he's being completely honest with himself.
Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.
You can't deny chemistry. Some people just belong together...you know, like flies and shi t.
Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?
That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature. 