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strived his whole life to become wise. When I accomplished my goal I realized it was a big mistake because now I have to put up with idiots. 
If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.
Tiger Woods has announced that he will return to golf at next months Masters. Also returning to golf ...television viewers
I'm what you might call an "incurable romantic". Although that's not the term they use at the Free Clinic.
Those 7 dwarfs mine 100 karat diamonds all day and still live in a $hitty little cottage. What the hell are they saving up for?
Facebook will soon become the world's leading source of unwanted information about people's New Year's resolutions.
I'm a damn good listener....just ask the tv!
what you dont see with your eyes dont witness with your mouth
Taboo jeopardy is a lot more fun to play. Maybe because I know the answers.
out of bed ... waking up is another story ...
would like "Reasons I Don't Want To Be At Work Today" for $200, Alex.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.
I don't like to think myself as 'Special' I like to think myself as limited edition
Maybe the Greeks wouldn't be so broke if they would stop having big fat weddings
thinks KFC donating money to breast cancer research is like the mafia giving money to the neighborhood church.
I don't know if I Should be mad at you or my phone.. because when you called me under "Restricted" my phone didn't use your specific ringtone. so now I'm stuck talking to you!!"
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Yes. I am aware that my shirt is wrinkled and no I didn't feel like ironing it....don't judge me.
Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set! 