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I may be old a hell when Playstation 9 comes out around the year 2072, but I'll feel like a kid when I get my hands on it. 
doesnt understand the whole deal about secrets. If you have something that you don't want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn't be doing it in the first place
The one person that BP has not called on to fix the oil leak is MacGyver. he can do it with a stick of gum a Q-tip and some tin foil!!!
if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.
the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.
take your wife's hyphenated last name as a clue that she wants everyone to find her, including that one guy that did that thing.
For next season's "Survivor" series, let's get 16 politicians and force them to live on minimum wage.
Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be.
Now we know.
Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".
The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science
I just tried drowning a spider with my Rockstar energy drink and now he's wearing a neon green tank top and bench pressing my remote.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.
Just seen a picture of Rihanna fully dressed. Man these hackers don't sleep.
You should never judge a person by how clean the inside of their microwave is.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it. 