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Shhhhhhhhhh....you had me at, "..$20 does include the spanking.." 
When I was young, we had to walk outside to find out what the weather was like
liquor and ugly can only go so far... Would you like a paper bag?
wanna brag about how many followers you have and don't know, talk about useless crap, and prove to people how lonely you are.....Then join Twitter.
so excited: my DVD collection of "Hoarders" is almost complete! And on VHS. And on Blu-ray and 8mm film. And LaserDisc. Where's my cat?
New plan for the weekend: free Charlie Sheen and party with him.
Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.
at the airport and not too upset about going through a full-body scan... what I am REALLY upset about is that this Enzyte stuff totally DOESN'T WORK AT ALL!
Drinking is a problem only if you're not good at it. To me, everything you listed is proof that I am very good at it.”
The fastest way to get ahold of a live person at AT&T is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.
My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.
This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.
The happiest sentence: "...but I love you". The saddest sentence: "I love you but..."
Dear Week, You are not attractive and I am leaving you for Weekend... I'd say it wasn't you, and that it was me... But yeah, it was you...
Why would you want a camera on the iPad? That's like taking pictures with a clipboard!
I am a responsible worker. When anything goes wrong, the boss says I'm responsible for it.
I see Woods is going after Couples now.
I think, therefore I am overqualified.
do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there's always hope that you'll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode. 