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Maybe if I develop feelings for Covid 19 it will leave. 
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."
Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.
The best way to surprise your partner in bed is by dying in your sleep.
With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.
People don't want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
The CDC recommends wearing a blindfold so you can’t see what’s really going on.
Assert dominance at your friend’s house by taking a massive dump.
This relationship is going to be weird if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend. 