Funny Status Messages

   Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I'll take lookout.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   The killer of the Pennsylvania Trooper was handcuffed and transported to jail with the dead Trooper's handcuffs and police car, maybe they can shoot him with the Trooper's GUN !

   Male camel toe? Dude that's just nuts.

   People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow

   anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have

   On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.

   Just heard someone on the porch, hopefully this is just a home invasion and not some unexpected company

   I am not a comedian but the joke below sucks big time.

   If Ann Coulter married Madonna, who would be the butch one?

   I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.

   Whew! Twelve miles on the treadmill today! And by "treadmill" I mean "bar stool" and by "miles" I mean "beers."

   How many times does one need to watch BET before their credit score is affected?

   Don't you just hate it when you finally get the courage to confess your love to someone and they just stare at you, meow and walk away.

   Missed the winning lottery number only by 6 numbers.

   It's not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn't figure out how to get the cork back in it.

   Once upon a midday dreary, While I plotted my next mealy, Came an empty rap-rap-rapping at my cupboard door. Quoth the Ramen, “Ever poor.”

   Bless you P ornhub for your categories. Some days I'm feeling the MILF's, somedays the gang b ang. It's like the Baskin Robbins of por n.

   The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   Tomato basil soup is just a fancy way to make people drink pizza sauce.