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thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap. 
If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..
I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.
..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...
If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”
thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?
Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.
What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.
poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
The sign said “This door to remain closed at all times” Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?
has CDO. It's like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order...like they should be.
just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.
My cable goes out more than I do.......How sad!!
My family lives next to a cemetery. Today, there was a funeral. My mom looked out of the window and said, "Look, we're getting new neighbors!" LOVELY
The bell ringers are out in full force already. I really don't mind and know it's for a good cause. I just hate the fact that it feels like I'm paying a "cover charge" to go into Walmart.
I've got Christmas spirit!! I just hung a little Christmas tree air freshener in my car.....ahhhhh smells like the holidays 