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Please forgive me, I got excited copying and pasting your status that I forgot to like it. 
Whenever I'm introduced to an old person I mentally add “osaurus” to their name.
✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ Justin Bieber
10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden - In his house.
What do you get when you cross PMS with a GPS? A bi*ch who will track you down
Obesity doesn't run in your family - NO ONE runs in your family!!!
Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex" has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night.
Richardmooney26 Sucks! ...and that's all I'm going to say.
Ok, Time to play word scrabble. "PNEIS"! Did you get spine? Like hell you did, you pervert
I wish I could type my mood into my iPod and it would make a playlist for me.
If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me
I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that said "Honk if you have a small Pe nis" then intentionally cut everyone off in traffic.
My new nickname at work should be "Laxative" cause I make sh*t happen.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
FACT... Girls that smoke are 20X more likely to put something else dirty in their mouths.
As I get older, I've learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I'm drunk.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?
A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: "Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken." 