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“I got hairy legs that turn blond in the sun.” Nurse: Sure Joe, let’s go sign some more executive orders. 
With the pandemic ending, the people who yell at others about masks are in danger of never feeling important again.
Remembers when
the only fake news
was the National Inquirer
Just pulled on a nose hair and one of my pubes disappeared.
You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.
I need a leaf blower, but for people.
Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.
They say "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." The problem is, I can't tell the difference anymore.
Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x
It's really ironic that I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.
How many instruments must you be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Two squirrels are fighting to the death in my bird feeder right now and I think I’m finally ready to get rid of cable TV
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
People that cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 28 dependents in...
Due to the Quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender. 